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If you’ve ever watched sea otters at play, it’s hard to resist smiling at the image of humans as the otters of the universe. But if you are a typical caregiver, chances are you have not had many otter-like experiences lately.
As caregivers, we face many losses – loss of freedom, loss of dreams, loss of mobility, loss of a cherished relationship…. These losses are often triggered by an external event beyond our control. A stroke or a fall resulting in immobility can be devastating. A progressive illness such as dementia or arthritis requires periodic adjustments to increasing disabilities.
The period of time to adjust to these losses is often referred to as grief. It can also be seen as a transition from an old to a new reality. Some people move through transitions surprisingly well. In her book, Everyday Sacred, Sue Bender describes the Japanese idea of wabi sabi, which more or less means “the beauty of things imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete.” In a Japanese tea ceremony, October is when the transition is made from using up the last bit of old tea before new tea is brought out in November. In Western culture, we would likely think of October tea as “getting rid of the dregs,” but in Japan, they “cherish what remains of that which is in the process of passing.” Moving well through transitions requires us to:
- recognize what is over and what remains;
- respect and honor what was;
- face the future by looking for creative solutions to new challenges and ways to compensate for losses;
- create not only normalcy, but joy and connection.
Most of us stumble through transitions. Our paths are full of twists and turns, and not all the people we meet along the way are helpful. A key to making successful transitions is to be merciful to yourself. Taking time for oneself is a necessary step toward resolving loss and moving forward.
It is not uncommon to experience moments of sadness when we are struggling with our losses. We would be unfeeling, deluded human beings if we did not. Sudden or slow losses are bound to evoke feelings of sadness in both the care recipient and the caregiver. Sadness is a natural reaction that must be acknowledged and worked through.
Sadness should not be confused with depression. People who are sad still have room for other emotions and can make rational decisions. Depressed persons feel consumed by sadness; they feel immobilized yet restless; exhausted, but unable to relax. They may experience changes in appetite and lose interest in activities they once found enjoyable. Their inability to concentrate makes them poor decision-makers, and others may see them as apathetic. Their self-esteem suffers and they may have thoughts of suicide. They feel helpless and hopeless. If you have felt this way for two or more weeks, seek professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker.
We are learning more each year about chemical imbalances in the brain that can result in symptoms of depression. Many medications are available to restore the brain’s equilibrium, easing the symptoms of depression. Counseling from professionals also can alleviate symptoms of depression, particularly if loss is at its root.
There are a number of things in addition to being gentle with yourself that you can do to ease your own transition and keep sadness from becoming depression. You’ve heard many of them before:
- Eat a balanced diet in a congenial atmosphere (the second half of this advice is as important as the first).
- Get adequate rest; this is not only the way the body refreshes itself, but the primary way it heals itself.
- Exercise daily. You needn’t run marathons; just move, preferably outdoors. People who get outdoor light regularly (even on cloudy days) feel lighter in spirit.
- Stay connected to others. Many studies have shown that social ties reduce your risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. Recent studies are finding that friendships are actually healing and help us to live not only longer, but better. Women know this; men are beginning to learn.
Another bit of advice is both the easiest and hardest thing to do: stay open. Stay open first to what is still wondrous about the world in the midst of human suffering. Yes, the world is full of tragedy. But it is also full of beauty, light, joy, kindness, and love. Be open to what is awesome. Lastly, stay open to the ideas of other people. They may offer solutions to challenges in surprising ways.
Buyer Beware!
By Daniel Kuhn, MSW, Mather LifeWays Institute on Aging
It is hard to give in to the notion that nothing can be done medically to slow down or stop a chronic medical condition. Despite the best efforts of medical researchers, it is tempting to think that there must be alternative ways to treat or cure a disease. As a result, many caregivers go in search of pills, procedures, and unorthodox therapies that may offer a glimmer of hope. Too often, this search leads to needless expense and frustration over types of help that have not withstood the rigors of scientific scrutiny. Therefore, it is important to apply the old adage, “buyer beware.”
The potential risks and benefits for those who take part in drug trials are carefully spelled out, but such protection is not given to those who take over-the-counter “remedies.” Federal laws bar explicit health claims on products sold as dietary supplements; nevertheless, there are numerous herbs, minerals, vitamins, and hormones touted by retailers as “memory boosters” or “arthritis helpers.” For example, health food stores and websites heavily promote several products that may appeal to those concerned about Alzheimer’s disease: melatonin, ginkgo biloba, lecithin, zinc, ginseng, and garlic. Many of these products are ineffective and some may have hidden health risks. Vast sums of money are spent on these “natural” products, which rely on anecdotal claims of success rather than any scientific evidence.
These products are not regulated by the U.S. government; thus, consumers have no way of knowing if they do any good or are harmful. Definitive studies about their effectiveness in preventing or improving diseases have not been documented. Some have been used successfully with laboratory animals, but fall short in human applications.
Even more alluring than dietary supplements are remedies promoted by doctors and other medical practitioners who claim to be successful in treating diseases. They use exaggerated claims and target the vulnerability of their customers. They may offer a variety of methods that have no sound scientific basis, including unconventional diets; drugs and foods; massage; meditation; hormones; acupuncture; or any number of other remedies.
The relatively few professionals engaged in promoting such remedies may appear well meaning but are usually misguided at best and hucksters at worst. Their practices not only fall outside acceptable standards, but they also may be unethical and illegal. It is likely that every major urban area has its own version of these opportunists, and you can usually spot promotional literature that sounds too good to be true. Their credentials need to be checked, and they should be asked if their findings have been published in scientific journals. If there is any hint that they may be selling the modern-day equivalent of snake oil, investigate them from as many angles as possible.
Caregivers must learn to exercise a healthy skepticism when dealing with any product or service that alleges to be useful in treating or preventing diseases. This is part of discerning what is and what is not helpful. No one can deny the need for fresh ways of thinking about how to solve the mysteries of chronic medical conditions. Caregivers, however, must also preserve their time and energy for the practical matters of day-to-day care. The search for an elusive treatment or cure usually gives way to a more realistic approach to coping with chronic illnesses. Phony potions and procedures offering false hope are cruel diversions, while legitimate research efforts offering the chance of real breakthroughs must be supported. Providing quality care for a loved one and making the most of a difficult situation is enough of a challenge for any caregiver to accept.
Daily Affirmations for Caregivers
By Bernie Siegel, M.D.
- I love myself.
- I respect my own needs.
- I am able to ask for what I need.
- I am open to receiving.
- I can ask for help and support.
- I am kind and gentle with myself.
- I deserve care.
- I know how to nurture myself.
- I replenish my energy by eating healthy foods.
- I take the time to exercise daily.
- I have all the energy I need.
- I am compassionate with myself and with others.
- I am able to feel and express all of my emotions.
- I forgive myself and others.
- I am able to renew and refresh myself.
- I take time for fun.
- I love and trust in the process of life.
- I am whole and alive.
- I am at peace with myself.
- I trust that I am doing the best that I can.
- I am enough.
- I am loved.
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