“Trying to talk with him is like talking to a brick wall!”
We may voice this familiar expression when we feel we’re not being heard or understood: Poor communication can cause significant problems in any relationship, but through the simple art of listening – listening attentively to others and having them listen to us – we can enhance our relationships. Following are a few obstacles to effective listening as well as some principles for listening well:
Your unmet personal needs can impede your listening skills. Have you ever sat through a meeting when you needed to use the restroom? You’re not thinking about what the speaker is saying – you’re thinking about how long the meeting will go on. As a caregiver, you may need sleep. Caregivers are often sleep deprived and concentrating becomes a daunting task. Sometimes, unmet needs are emotional in nature. For example, you may be feeling vulnerable and need a few encouraging words in a conversation. While it may be awkward to admit your needs, it is best to do so before the conversation continues.
Your emotional state and mood may determine the best time to listen. There are days when a dozen things go wrong, but everything just rolls off your back and you feel great. You feel relaxed enough to reach out to a family member or friend and really listen to their problems. Yet, there are days when you just can’t deal with one more task on your list. Politely telling a person “this is a bad time” to listen may initially offend him or her, but if you specify a better time to talk together, chances are, both of you will feel better – and have a more meaningful conversation later.
Your opinion of another person may impact your desire to listen. Sometimes, we have preconceived notions about certain people, and we immediately discount their ideas and viewpoints. Past experiences with certain relatives or friends may also have taught us to be wary of what they say or do. When you have conversations, be aware of your feelings toward other people and keep in mind that if you are unwilling to be open to their perspectives, you cannot expect them to be open to ours.
A busy, distracting environment is not the best place for listening. If your focus is required elsewhere or you’re tempted to glance at your surroundings, you’re not in an ideal listening atmosphere. For example, have you ever found yourself arguing with a family member while you were driving? A car is not the best place to have a thorough discussion because the driver’s focus is on the task of driving safely. Environmental conditions that limit privacy and are physically uncomfortable, noisy, and confusing are not conducive to good communication.
Overcoming the barriers to effective listening takes practice. Following are a few principles to remember the next time you have a conversation:
Give the speaker your full attention. Stand (or sit) in front of and look directly at the person you are speaking with. Think to yourself how you would feel if you were trying to get your point across to a person who was shuffling papers or had his or her eyes on the TV set. Treat what the other person sees as a serious situation seriously, but don’t fight anger with anger. Sincerity is key; your physical stance is perhaps more believable than your words.
Encourage the other person to speak by demonstrating that you’re listening. Use non-verbal cues such as nodding your head. You can also show empathy and understanding by saying simple words like “Yes, mm-hmm,” “I see,” or “Go on, tell me more.” Be aware of your body language and tone of voice.
Rephrase your statements to gain clarity. If you are unable to arrive at a logical understanding of what is being said to you, you can ask questions:“If I understand you correctly, you mean…” Or, you can ask open-ended questions: “Can you give me an example?” Be sure you understand the person’s intent. Also, listen for and filter qualifiers. If any discussion ends with either party saying, “I’ll try,” “That may work,” “For the most part, that’s right,” or any other sentence that implies only partial agreement, you have not yet reached a satisfactory resolution.
Don’t interrupt the person who is talking. A poor listener does not allow the other person to finish his or her sentence. This is disrespectful and indicates to the person that you are not listening to every word. Poor communication also involves putting words in the person’s mouth.
Avoid the temptation to change the subject. Changing the topic of discussion may indicate to the other person that you’re disinterested in his or her feelings and thoughts. If you become uneasy with the subject you’re talking about, you need to communicate why you are uneasy.
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. It is difficult to resolve any problem if you fail to acknowledge and affirm the other person’s feelings. After listening to the other person, sometimes it is helpful to literally state that you have listened to him or her: “I’m listening to your story, and I know that you are hurt by what happened yesterday.”
Make certain that all concerns are heard. Most people are uncomfortable resolving problems through confrontation. A looming sense of confrontation can end a discussion prematurely – and as a result, no resolution is devised. Your issues, as well as the other person’s issues, should be brought to the table. You can ask, “Is there anything else we need to discuss?”
Create a safe haven to talk openly and honestly . The most important element of successful communication and listening is that everyone involved feels that they can voice both positive and negative opinions without fear of reprisal. Listening well means listening to the good, the bad, and the ugly.
A Helping Hand in the Home
By Daniel Kuhn, MSW, Mather LifeWays Institute on Aging
Most people with chronic medical conditions are cared for during the major part of their illness at home by their families. When it is possible, caregivers oftentimes turn to other family members and friends for respite; however, their help may prove insufficient. If care is to continue at home, families may need to consider other resources such as adult day services and in-home care through an agency.
Home care agencies usually employ many levels of staff, providing an array of services on a fee-per-service basis. Medicare does not typically cover this type of care, so out-of-pocket expenses can be high; rates range from $15 to $35 an hour. Through state-funded programs, subsidies may be available for those with low incomes and assets. Although financial cost is an important consideration, distrust of strangers and worry about the quality of care are the most common barriers to using in-home services. Therefore, caregivers need to take steps to ensure they properly evaluate this care option.
Step 1: Identify Your Needs
What services do you need? These can range from companionship and meal preparation to assistance with dressing, bathing, and toileting. A schedule should be organized to indicate the days and hours when care is needed. Home care agencies usually require a minimum of four hours per day, on a weekly basis. Frequency of home visits can be adjusted, but it is recommended to begin at least twice a week. Some agencies offer live-in companions for short- or long-term stays.
Step 2: Select an Agency and Helper
Obtain a list of agencies from your local Area Agency on Aging or from local health care professionals. A good agency promptly returns your calls, carefully listens to your request, and provides written details about its services and costs. Discuss your needs honestly and express your expectations of the paid helper and the agency. Conduct a personal interview with the prospective helper to inquire about training, experience, and references. If possible, include your ill or disabled relative in the hiring process.
Step 3: Develop a Working Relationship
A paid helper deserves and needs to be given clear instructions and constructive feedback, both positive and negative. Make concrete suggestions, provide encouragement, and ask questions. It may take several visits to the home for everyone to settle into a comfortable routine.
Step 4: Evaluate the Progress
Evaluation should be an ongoing process, but regular times should be set aside to briefly discuss any issues that may arise. Reward good work and address any problems in a swift, straightforward manner. Difficulties are inevitable, but good communication can minimize them and yield quick solutions. Flagrant mistakes and repeated misunderstandings will need the attention of the helper’s supervisor at the agency.
No single person can provide all of the needs of someone who has a chronic illness or disability. Even the most devoted family caregiver deserves a break from providing care. Finding a reliable helper is a challenge, but it can result in the goal of continuing quality care at home.
Daily Affirmations for Caregivers
by Bernie Siegel, M.D.
- I love myself.
- I respect my own needs.
- I am able to ask for what I need.
- I am open to receiving.
- I can ask for help and support.
- I am kind and gentle with myself.
- I deserve care.
- I know how to nurture myself.
- I replenish my energy by eating healthy foods.
- I take the time to exercise daily.
- I have all the energy I need.
- I am compassionate with myself and with others.
- I am able to feel and express all of my emotions.
- I forgive myself and others.
- I am able to renew and refresh myself.
- I take time for fun.
- I love and trust in the process of life.
- I am whole and alive.
- I am at peace with myself.
- I trust that I am doing the best that I can.
- I am enough.
- I am loved.
|
