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A technique that has proven to be useful in many situations, especially caregiving, is “Aikido communication.” Aikido is a form of Japanese martial arts created by Morihei Ueshiba (1883-1969), known as O Sensei, “The Great Teacher.” It is said that even as an old man of eighty years, he could disarm any foe, down any number of attackers, and pin an opponent with a single finger. This invincible warrior, however, was above all a man of peace who abhorred war and violence of any kind. He spoke in great detail about Aikido as the “Art of Peace,” and taught it as a creative mind-body discipline based on bravery, wisdom, love, and friendship. Thomas Crum, author of The Magic of Conflict, studied Aikido for many years. As a martial art, he notes, “Its readily observable purpose is to resolve physical conflict by making an attack harmless without doing harm even to the attacker.”
 Recognizing that many caregiving situations involve high emotions and verbal attacks by others (even one’s own relatives!), it is helpful to apply the principles of Aikido to communication. Crum says that Aikido, literally translated, is “the way of blending energy.” One of its chief principles is to honor and acknowledge the energy given by the other person instead of opposing it. Therefore, the first step in Aikido communication is to align ourselves with the other person.
Alignment begins when we put ourselves in the other person’s place and ask, “How would I feel if I were him? What does he need from me to feel better?” When we put ourselves in another’s shoes, we decide to look at a situation from a new angle, gaining a different perspective. If this isn’t easy, ask for more input: “If I could do one thing to help you feel better, what would that be?” or “Help me to understand your point of view.”
Aligning also means that we match the person’s mood. We take seriously what he or she takes seriously. It is okay to make light of your own problems as the man did in Joel’s tornado story; it is not okay to make light of someone else’s problems.
The second step in Aikido communication is to agree. Look for areas of common ground. If two people can even agree on what the problem is, this is often a major step toward finding a solution. For example, you can say, “I agree that you are doing most of the work related to Mom’s care,” or “I agree. Dad’s driving makes me nervous.” At other times, agreement simply involves an extension of the empathy shown when you practiced alignment: “If that happened to me, I’d feel the same way.”
People are often thrown completely off balance by these first two steps, which is exactly the goal of Aikido as a martial art. When someone is verbally attacking us, if we can let go of our ego and understand and empathize with him or her, we are figuratively stepping to his or her side to see things from his or her direction. In Aikido as a martial art, the same thing happens. A person directs great forward momentum towards us, and we step aside so that he has no rigid object to fall against. Crum describes it, “like a waiter with a full tray of entrees falling through a door that is unexpectedly opened from the other side.”
…But the waiter will fall on his face. Our goal is to cause no harm to the other person, so the third step of Aikido communication is to redirect. If we agree on the problem, point it out and ask, “What can we do to begin working on it?” If you have empathized with a person’s emotions, don’t end with a “pity party.” You can ask, “Is there something that might cheer you up or make the rest of the day easier for you?”
The fourth and final step in Aikido communication is to resolve. Not every problem is immediately solvable, and sometimes, the best you can do is agree to disagree. When you ask a person, “What can we do to begin working on it?” and you don’t concur with his or her response, you may have to go back to step two and find something you can agree on within the answer given. If your mother’s ability to cook on her own has diminished and your father wants you to take over completely, that’s probably unfeasible. However, perhaps your parents can come to your home for more meals or you can arrange for Meals On Wheels for them. It often helps to put a time limit on trying the solution and agreeing to re-evaluate at the end of the time period. “I know this isn’t a perfect solution, but would you be willing to try it for a month and then we can see what adjustments need to be made?”
Assertive communication is a useful technique when we need to ask for help, set limits, advocate for another, or make difficult decisions. The goal of Aikido communication is to seek harmony with others by defusing emotionally charged situations and helping the other person feel understood. In assertive communication, we are defending our point of view. In Aikido communication, we are stepping into another’s shoes and changing our viewpoint.
Aikido as a martial art depends on throwing one’s opponent off balance. The expert may not harm his opponent, but the opponent does fall down. Aikido as a mind-body discipline and as a communication technique, however, is about restoring balance and finding harmony among people so that no one falls. O Sensei said, “The true martial art is love.”
Renewing the Spirit
By Daniel Kuhn, MSW, Mather LifeWays Institute on Aging
Those who care for relatives or friends with chronic illnesses typically encounter a series of challenges. Caregivers are bound to be tested in body, mind, and spirit and may become exhausted if steps are not taken to remain healthy on all of these levels. Research suggests that spiritual practices may be the most popular means of coping with the challenges of caregiving.
It is during specific times of crisis when questions about the meaning of life, the need for hope, and a transcendent reality come into sharp focus. Life’s difficulties have a way of intensifying a hunger within the human spirit for understanding, strength, and answers to questions such as “Why is this happening?”; “Why do bad things happen to good people?”; “How can God allow such suffering?”; and “Is there a God after all?"
Spirituality involves the search for ultimate meaning and a relationship with something bigger than oneself. Caregivers who are unaccustomed to embarking on a spiritual quest may struggle with preconceived notions about God or organized religion. Religious tenets should not be confused with the broader notion of spirituality. Those familiar with spirituality and religion may feel shaken in their beliefs and their relationship with God. Nevertheless, those who pursue a more vibrant spirituality often report a sense of inner peace that enables them to persevere through troubled times. A number of resources may help in this personal journey.
Spiritual activities require time – a precious commodity for those who are busy providing care to loved ones. It also requires a commitment to carve out the time necessary to take part in activities outside or inside the home. Arranging for temporary relief from caregiving may be a first step along one’s spiritual journey. Everyone deserves an opportunity for spiritual renewal.
For those able to participate in activities outside the home, the most obvious resource is one’s church, synagogue, or mosque. Worship services involving rituals as well as traditional prayers, hymns, and music may be useful. Small groups may meet regularly to share prayer and discuss faith matters. On an individual level, religious leaders are often available for counseling on spiritual issues.
For those who have difficulty with established religious organizations, an alternative may be one of the hundreds of retreat centers that have sprung up in recent years. They routinely sponsor individual and group programs for spiritual direction and typically employ pastoral counselors who serve as spiritual guides.
For those who may be limited to the home setting, a number of solitary activities may be useful. It may also be helpful to engage a spiritual guide who can help develop the approach best suited to one’s needs. These activities include:
- Practicing various types of prayer, rituals, meditation, and yoga
- Using books of structured prayers and other spiritual reading; Books in Print currently lists more than 2,000 titles on the subject
- Reflecting upon scriptures and similar ancient writings
- Keeping a spiritual journal, full of thoughts and intuitions both great and small
- Listening to inspirational music suited to one’s personal taste
- Appreciating the mysteries of nature, art, and sacred objects
Nurturing one’s “inner life” can make a positive difference in how one perceives life’s difficulties. Engaging in spiritual practice does not guarantee replenishment of personal energy or a renewed outlook on life. Paying attention to all levels of one’s being – body, mind, and spirit – is essential for achieving a balanced life.
Spirituality may enable you to come to terms with a relative’s chronic illness, find meaning in everyday tasks, and renew your commitment to a labor of love.
Daily Affirmations for Caregivers
By Bernie Siegel, M.D.
- I love myself.
- I respect my own needs.
- I am able to ask for what I need.
- I am open to receiving.
- I can ask for help and support.
- I am kind and gentle with myself.
- I deserve care.
- I know how to nurture myself.
- I replenish my energy by eating healthy foods.
- I take the time to exercise daily.
- I have all the energy I need.
- I am compassionate with myself and with others.
- I am able to feel and express all of my emotions.
- I forgive myself and others.
- I am able to renew and refresh myself.
- I take time for fun.
- I love and trust in the process of life.
- I am whole and alive.
- I am at peace with myself.
- I trust that I am doing the best that I can.
- I am enough.
- I am loved.
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